I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Randomize
