Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
