I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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