I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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