I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
