I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
