dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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