she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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