def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
