It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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