when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
