life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
