I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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