Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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