I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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