I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm gonna fight the coyote
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
