I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Welp...herpes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Blood and glitter go together right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
