Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
