So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
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