If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
