At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
