I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
