just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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