According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
