swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
