well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
