Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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