Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
