Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
