dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
