You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
