Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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