I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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