i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
