I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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