I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
