My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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