life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
