K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
