When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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