We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
