Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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