you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
