1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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