After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
tell me about the eggs
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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