my vag is so smooth its legendary
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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