Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who died my cat blue again?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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