My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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