Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
