I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
