how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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