he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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